chris allman ate uber kit
2005-05-04, 1:34 a.m.

tonight i acted a little immature and irrational. it felt good to do so after trying so hard to remain mature and rational.

it amazes me sometimes how long me and ashley dated. i am not saying this as a dis, but more realizing that we really have a hard time communicating with each other. we were open in the begining of our relationship, but as time wore on, we became less and less understanding and more and more argumentative. i say that this is a main reason why most couples have problems. the inability to communicate and understand what the other is meaning or feeling.

these past few days has been no different between ashley and i. we start each meeting off so good, telling each other various events that has transpired during the day and so forth. but then one comment will be made be either me or her, and the other will take offense to it. from then on out the conversation is obsolete and we struggle to remain unannoyed with each other.

i hope none of this offends ashley, that is not my purpose. it is surprising the things i would want to say to her but cannot because of our lack of understanding each other. and i wish so much that that could change. and maybe it will.

this is one reason why i am jealous of her current situation. she is starting anew. with someone else, from scratch. those problems that we have together are not the case now with her and dan. and though nothing may come of it, it is still envious.

i have been thinking that i am jealous of her, but tonight i realized i am also jealous of dan aka fletcher aka dan. he has the possiblity to give her what i cannot. a connection that we were unable to make.

my other two serious girlfriends i have had were ashley shurley and kristin blake. i dated ashley for about a year and a half and the following year after that we dated off and on. i dated kristin for 14 months. in both cases, they met boys at the tail end of our relationship, and started dating them. both cases they ended up marrying them and are now happy.

ashley munns found out about dan aka fletcher aka dan near the tail end of our relationship as well, and has started to hang out with him and as far as i can tell, they enjoy each other's company. this does not mean that they are dating or french kissing (though the very well could be), simply enjoying the begining stages of courtship etc.

i felt somewhat pathetic today.

when ashley and dan came over to karis, i was there. i don't think she expected to see me, and i was surprised to see them as well. it was the same feeling i got when i saw kristin blake mills at chelsea's art show a couple months back. that sinking feeling. i made some slightly inappropriate comments, but did the best i could under the feelings i was having. i was not attempting to win ashley back from the comments i was making. i was expressing with humor how i was feeling, and it felt good. it felt good not to try to be so understanding and mature. with my other two ex babes, i was left each time at the end of our relationship with my arms crossed, doing nothing, while they were out falling in love with great guys. this time i have tried to do that but have let slip some emotions.

it is natural to feel jealous of past loves going on to new lives. even though i am happy with our decision it is hard.

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