lately i have been thinking about going back to byu. i am only a couple semesters away from graduating, and know that if i did not go back i would be a fool (for the price it is, and for not getting my degree). but it is so hard for me to get excited about going back to a school that i have been at for five years, and one that is so cut off from the world (in various ways, world being "the world"). also it is hard for me to go to scool in general. i do well one semester and flunk the next. i am starting to come to terms with how i am, and what i offer and do not. it is a good feeling to get to. i am not even sure if byu would accept me back, what with the eccelsiatical endorsement and all. i think i would be okay abiding by the honor code for the first time in my life, not doing certain things and what not. but is this the life i want? there are so many other issues and variables that come into play with this decision, i used to be sick thinking about it. but the past few days i have found myself wanting to go back. i have also found myself thinking about byu and the church, and how my ideals do not really match with them anymore. this is to not say i am against byu or the church, i understand them as institutions and why they do the things the do. i am however saying that it is harder for me to deal with them on an everday basis, with how i am and how i view them.

it seems that as of late every time i hang out with someone from provo (sorry chaunte!) i am drunk or out of my mind high. i have actually felt the best i have felt since last summer, with moderation and all. last summer was such an interesting summer. i went from being really depressed to really happy, all within a few months (with ups and downs in between). it is hard to determine what really brings happiness anymore to anybody. everybody is so different, so different things tend to make people happy. such as chris feeling good out of the church, and scott feeling good in the church. who is to say what will make me happy, or what will be the best descision for me? only myself (zing!).

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