2018-06-19, 11:47 p.m.

I've been going through emails tonight between chris and i from 2005...when he was still the only one in town with invites to the gmail scene. one day he gave me one! i was so stoked. so thus my gmail account was born. but that was chris right? always two steps ahead in both space and time. in the minds eye. which i also learned to say from chris! damn...he showed me a lot.

first time i met chris it was aug 2002, at grandpa ryans (don't tell him we call him that :)

he had a half beard-meaning one half was shaved and the other hairy-and he was talking about how he had just seen morrissey and i was like WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?! he was really magnetic, everybody has a good chris story.

it is all very strange this life-two extremes pulling us apart making it hard to keep up with the positive vibes...the thing with death is that its final right? i mean if you don't believe in god...which is also crazy to think that seriously if there is no higher purpose/spiritual savior/alien existence/mother earth ghosts that when you die you literally cease to exist. that darkness is all you would know-that there is no light at the end of the tunnell-and since there is no YOU anymore would it really even matter? it hurts to think. cause you wanna believe you can high five loved ones again when they're gone...its natural to want that...its actually worth living for you know, and everybody's gotta find that one thing that makes them wanta wake up in the morning, no matter how small or insignificant it may be to the outside world as long as its the most important fucking thing to you..thats all that matters...cause without it whats the point?? but i get it...sometimes it's just too much...all of THIS. this EVERYTHING.

been listening to the glow pt.2 a lot...its great, can't think of a better album that for me reminds me of chris...he loved phil! he was def microphones number one fan. its a nice soundtrack to memories of the past that keep fading more and more everyday.

soon they'll be so distant i won't be able to recognize them.

so even tho i try to live in the now these days i can live in the past for a bit, if only to say goodbye to an old friend.

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