i don't think i have felt this way, in a long time, if ever. this feeling of denial, of worthlessness, of not knowing where im heading.

i refuse to believe the notion that this is all for my "well-being" that "Heavenly Father has a better plan for me" out there. i feel that is just a cop out answer given to people to make them feel better. i really do.

i have no goals, no plans. i wish i was 22 with no goals and plans. it seems that i would be able to get away with it then. but now that i am mid 20's there is no excuse for going without direction. i must be respectable. with goals. actions. awards to show for it. instead i have a handful of flunked classes that i took from the great BYU, master of all schools that shows how to be truly Christ-like by allowing people to study what they wish how they wish. isn't this what education should be? should education be competetive? no! no! and i also refuse to believe that i am not qualified as an individual to study something that i know i would be good at. that is maybe the most frustrating thing about all of this. that not only am i not accepted, it is mainly because i am deemed weak in the area where i feel i could be strongest at. others are accepted because they put a little more effort into their work than i did. and this is how people are analyzed, by what they have done than rather what they will do. and this seems backwards. though i can understand that past actions can dictate future actions, this should not be the reason to accept people or reject them. it is due to this that some people will never succeed, because they have been taught and shown, through this system, that once a failure, always a failure.

michael jordon wasn't on his high school basketball team.

steven spielberg never went to film school

michael moore is an idiot.

and these people succedd. but that is because they have drive. what if you are rejected with no drive. my hope was that by being accepted i would thus gain the work ethic i want and hope for. but people see it otherwise. they saw a slacker who was unable to present himself in a fashion tha THEY wanted, not what would be best for the student.

it is funny how a situation like this made me think of suicide. not that i am going to committ suicide, but before i was never sure why people would want to commit suicide. i thought "they have the same problems there as they do here." but tonight i realized that some people just want to end their problems, only if for a minute.

i am still breathing heavy. i can feel my heart, heavy.

i do not believe that Heavenly Father has anything to do with this. i dont believe in that notion, the notion of God telling somebody what to do to affect somebody else. God is a rational person, one who obeys the laws of the universe. he does no disrupt the laws to suit some people. in other words, he would not disrupt the law of free agency to "teach" somebody a lesson. this is something that i have being thinking of lately and tonight made me realize more of it.

i think mainly it is a few things. what i am so bothered with.

that i was denied when i believed in something.

that i could be stereotyped as being not qualified. (though i understand my sitauation)

that i have no direction now. what am i to do? there is nothing else i wish to study. whats that you say? go somewhere else? i do not wish to go anywhere else. i am as trent reznor would say going down the downward spiral.

this is my dream.

watching curb your enthusiam with ashley eating lime chips on the internet:

but i cannot do that for the rest of my life. if i could i would but i cant. so now i must work in a factory. with bjork.

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